Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
