I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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