I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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