Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
