imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
