Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
