We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
