just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
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I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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