I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
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thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.