that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
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I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.