I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?