You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
