Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize