i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
