saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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