I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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