He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
