I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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