why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
