Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
