I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
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so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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