hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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