He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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