everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
