Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
