i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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