No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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