She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
