She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
