I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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