id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
