that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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