That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
