my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
