Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
