i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
