totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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