Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
