One girl and one boy is just not enough.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
