So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
