I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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