i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
