I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
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I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
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Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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