you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
