wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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