I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
