So drunk its hurt
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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