i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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