Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
