Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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