Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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