I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
