So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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