I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
