the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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