mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
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I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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