you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
