I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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