he wants to bone in the snuggie
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Enjoy the penises
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
