I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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